Sienata's Dreams

A Blog about the Odd Mentality of Sex

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:56:40 GMT

The weirdness of sex in my life. Don't worry - this isn't explicit. :)

Remember when no one talked about sex? Back when I was a kid, in the seventies, no one talked about sex at all. I grew up in the country, not close to any large towns at all, and I spent most of my time with my elderly grandparents. My parents were extremely closed-mouthed about sex and I just assumed they didn’t do it – IF I thought about it at all – which I didn’t. My bedroom shared a wall with theirs and I NEVER heard anything strange. NEVER.

One of my friends in high school said she walked in on her parents one time. I can’t imagine any of us even living through the trauma of that.

When I was about sixteen, this boy I liked was out at my house and we were wandering around out by the place where my dad burned the garbage, and we saw a partially burned condom box. OMG. He made fun of it and I thought I was going to have heart failure.

Everything I learned about sex I got from one of two sources until I actually got busy myself. One source was my mom’s mom, who I called Granny. Granny was 60 when I was born in 1965. She had her first kid at the age of 16-17, at home, with no medical assistance that I’m aware of other than maybe her mom or some other relative. I spent a lot of time with Granny, from the time I was 3-4 until she died when I was 13. I loved her dearly and considered her to be one of my closest associates.

However, Granny’s view on sex and childbirth was not really what I needed to hear as a little girl. I never really liked babies anyway, and after hearing about how they got made (it hurt) and then how they came into the world (it hurt a lot worse), I quickly decided that babies would not be on my agenda. I didn’t rule out sex, but I think that she somehow cursed that for me as well, because sex has not been a great source of joy for me. It has served lots of purposes in my life, but none of them was just to make me happy. That actually makes me really sad. I don’t think I’ve ever been that honest about it before, not even with myself. *sigh*

My other source of sexual knowledge was romance novels, which my mom and my bff’s mom devoured voraciously. I read them too, and they set me up for huge failure, because very rarely does any dude measure up to a Harlequin Romance hero, and after reading about a thousand kazillion of those books, I wasn’t prepared to settle for anything less. My first husband couldn’t hold a candle to those dudes in even one category, and so we were destined to fail before the papers were even signed. I don’t fault him for that, however. The only thing he did wrong was decide to marry me in spite of all the evidence that I had the maturity level of a seven year old and was not ready to be anybody's wife.

I enjoy sex now; I’m not a prude or one of those women who’s always got a headache, but I know that I’m still getting about one tenth out of it that I could if my brain wasn’t so locked up with issues. Today, I was reading in a ladies magazine about how to enjoy sex better when your man goes down. It said to have him lay sideways and lick you across the grain while pushing his fingers against your perineum, and he could feel the flutters when your orgasm began.

Wow. Can you imagine being 11 years old and picking up that magazine in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and reading that? I dunno… that seems a bit extreme to have out there in LHJ or wtfe magazine that was, but I guess it’s better to introduce sex as something everyone does and something that we don’t have to hide or be ashamed of than to keep it all secreted away and mysterious. I don’t have kids, so I’m not sure what I would do if it were me, but I know that I’d want them to feel ok about it, like it was just something that everyone did and not something to wig out about.

I wish that I felt different about sex for me, but I don’t guess I ever will. I know that part of the reason I enjoy writing M/M romance so much is because I get to enjoy it vicariously through my characters without ever having to bring me or any female into it. This probably accounts for why my H/E characters are always the one getting done by J/J, but don’t worry that you are reading some weird version of my J fantasies. You aren’t. I’m so f’d up about it that I can’t even have fantasies with me in them. The only fantasies that I’ve ever had that played out very far involved – get this – women. ???

Sometimes in this community we say that Het is Gross, and other folks comment that they find it strange that so many of us feel that way. I agree that it’s odd, because I enjoy sex with my husband, but I do not enjoy het sex in any other capacity: I don’t want to think about it or read about it or watch it either romantically or erotically. I am not a woman’s woman at all – I’m anti-girly in almost all ways – but there are several women that I love, and if I weren’t married, I wouldn’t even rule out having a relationship with a woman. Hence the fantasies, I suppose. (I wonder if I’m a closest lesbian???)

So I don’t hate women at all (of course) or find them gross, but I only like m/m when it comes to romance because I prefer to leave out the woman and all the issues that she brings and must endure. I like both the equality of the two guys as well as the hotness of the two guys breaking down barriers and swimming upstream to be together.

I’m very interested in your thoughts on this topic:

1. How did you learn about sex? Was it good for you or no?

2. Have your feelings changed about sex over the years? Are you more comfortable/into it now than you used to be?

3. Do you still read/enjoy het? If not, why not?

4. Do you only have certain pairings that you enjoy, or could you pick up a book about John and Bill and read it with pleasure IF the story was good?

I just sent Jill an email and said I probably wasn’t going to blog tonight because I was too tired to come up with anything. One thousand plus words later, I realize I was mistaken. J

The Joys of Cooking and Sex - 2/3

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:42:32 GMT

Ok. Honesty time. Who of you really believed this would be finished in one more part? Really. I mean, let’s be real. How many times have I ever finished something in the predetermined amount of parts??? I think I thought I could do it, but *sigh* I was wrong. As a matter of fact, I really f’d this part up on the first go round today and The Beta Babe and Mrs. Spamlad both had to jump in and say “Un-uh!” They liked this and blessed it, and Jill even gave me tips on the proper use of ellipses, but I’m not sure if I got that all right or not. If not, please forgive. Expect the LAST PART in a couple of days! Grrr!

The Joys of Cooking and Sex – 2/3

They drove back to Ennis’s house in the monsoon that had settled over western North Carolina, making one stop at the liquor store for wine and a six pack of pale ale for Jack. When they finally landed on Ennis’s front steps, splattered and winded from their mad dash through the rain, Jack said, “Nice place. I love these sixties houses. You can do anything with them.”

“Thanks.” Ennis simmered with quiet pleasure at his words. Second to his store, his house was his pride and joy. He’d bought the produce market five years ago and spent the first three years building it up, putting all his cash into improvements and living in the tiny apartment/storage building on the back of the property.

When he’d finally felt confident that he wasn’t on the verge of going belly up, he’d starting looking for a house. This one was a small fixer-upper, ranch style, nothing exciting, but the lot was nice, over an acre and deep, with tall trees giving him shade and privacy. “Don’t expect much… It’s still a work in progress.” He turned the key, heard scurrying on the other side of the door. Jack was about to face his first test. “I hope you’re not allergic,” he added as he pushed the door open, then stood back for Jack to go in.

“To bacon? Not last time I checked.” Jack stepped boldly into the welcoming fray, eyes glued to the dancing mini-herd at their feet.

“She’s not bacon. Don’t call her that – she’s sensitive,” Ennis chided him. “Her name’s Hilda.”

“Uhhh… ok…… But she is a pig, right?”

“She prefers to be called a teacup,” Ennis explained, leading his strange little parade back to the kitchen so that he and Jack could at least set their bags down and have a fighting chance. Jack followed along gamely, which gave Ennis hope that he wasn’t about to suddenly abandon their impromptu plan of cooking and eating and then engaging in hedonistic pleasures of the flesh just because of his overly enthusiastic pets. Ennis would be sorely disappointed if that happened at this point. His dick, which had been humming madly since he’d heard Jack discussing him with Mrs. Stoutmeyer earlier that afternoon, would be crushed beyond measure.

Jack sat his stuff down, then got one of his beers out and opened it, leaning back against the counter to survey the squirming, sniffing, noodling mess that made up Ennis’s immediate family. Ennis grabbed the rest of the six pack and stuck it in the fridge, pulling a light beer out for himself. He wasn’t a microbrew man.

“I’ve heard of teacup poodles, but I’ve never heard of teacup pigs before. Where’d you get her?”

Ennis sipped his beer, held down one hand to pet whoever could get their head under it first. Even though they were a bit overwhelming, he was glad of the distraction that the animals made, since he could talk about them a lot more easily than himself. He noticed that Ozzy, his big black cat, had already jumped up on the counter to investigate Jack, sniffing his chest for signs of danger, and Jack was running his hand down his back as if nothing strange was going on at all.

“One of my customers told me about her. Her people were moving and couldn’t take her, so she needed a place to go really bad. I’d just bought this place, and all I had back then was Oz.” He nodded at the cat who was purring loud enough to be heard over the paws and hooves still clattering on the floor. “Guess they caught me in a weak moment. Never thought about having a house pig before, but there she is.”

Jack grinned and Ennis felt something tight loosen up in his chest. “Yep, there she is. Can I pet her?”

“Sure. She’s kinda expecting you to.”

Jack squatted down and the squirming became more intense as they all wiggled closer for his attention. Ennis couldn’t fault them for their taste. “What about these other guys? Where’d they come from?” Jack asked, one hand on Hilda’s fat noggin, the other getting sniffed and licked by Ennis’s two dogs. Ennis squatted down to their level to take some of the pressure off his guest.

“Here and there. Charlie,” he said, reaching over to jiggle the chocolate lab’s collar, “got too big for his people. That happens with labs a lot. Folks get’em for their kids, then can’t manage once they’re not puppies anymore. Belle,” he pointed at the small black dog who was jumping between the pig and the lab, clamoring for attention, “showed up at the store a few months ago. Looked liked she’d been through a sausage grinder. I dunno what her story is. Probably best I don’t.”

“She’s a pit, isn’t she?” Jack reached into the mix and scratched the top of her flat head. She snuffed and snorted, sounding almost as piggish as Hilda.

“Yeah, a little one. She was probably the runt of her litter.”

“She’s pretty,” Jack said, even though it wasn’t true. Her face was plain and scarred up from her injuries.

“Thanks. She’s happy, guess that’s all that matters.”

After a vigorous minute of petting, Jack stood up and slapped his hands together, looking at Ennis expectantly. “Did I pass muster?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Great. So! You ready to get busy?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Ennis choked on the sip of beer he’d just taken and Jack stepped over to whack him on the back. Being that close to Jack made things worse, not better. Finally, Ennis was able to breathe again. “Get busy?” he gasped, eyes watering.

Jack had quit whacking him, but his hand was still back there, splayed out on Ennis’s back, rubbing him. It had been a long time since Ennis had felt a man’s hand on him for any reason, and his whole body lit up with joy at his touch. His dick, of course, went straight into Oh My God mode.

“Yeah. I mean, this stuff isn’t gonna cook itself, is it? Aren’t you hungry? I’m starving.” Jack grinned and moved a little bit closer and Ennis closed his eyes for a brief instant, trying to get himself centered, because this much Jack in such a small space was making him crazy.

He was getting hungry too, but he was filthy as well, and that was priority one, especially if Jack was gonna start crawling all over him right away. Not that he minded, he just wanted to be clean for it. “Umm… listen, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go take a quick shower first. Got all dirty today unloading crates. Think you’ll be ok on your own with them for a few minutes?” Ennis looked down at his crew, who were losing interest in them in favor of sniffing around to determine if there was anything they might want in the bags on the counter.

“Sure, man, we’ll be fine. I’ll get started unpacking the goods,” Jack said with a salacious grin, although he waved his hand at the bags strewn all over the counter and didn’t even look once at Ennis’s below-the-belt area where his goods were stored.

Ennis took a steadying breath. “Ok. Make yourself at home. Just hunt around for anything you need. It’ll probably be in there somewhere.” He pointed at the cabinets and drawers, trying to keep his brain on topic. “I won’t be long.”

“Take your time,” Jack said. “And don’t worry – I won’t try to sneak a peek, I promise.”

Ennis rolled his eyes at his tormentor, snatched up his beer and stomped out, Jack’s laughter following him down the hall. On the Viagra commercials he saw on tv, they were always saying you should call a doctor if you had an erection that lasted for more than four hours. Ennis wondered how long it was gonna take them to fix dinner and eat it. At the rate this night was going, he’d be on borrowed time pretty soon. He probably ought to program his doctor’s number into his cell phone just in case.

The house was old and small, barely more than fifteen hundred square feet. Ennis had ripped up the funky carpet and found nice hardwood floors underneath, and he’d gotten busy painting over the dark, depressing paneling as soon as he took possession of the place, but otherwise, it still had a long way to go. A new bathroom was high on his priority list, but that was expensive, so for the moment, he just had one, which was in the hallway. Normally, this didn’t matter, since he rarely had company, but when he got out of the shower – clean and shaved and ready for anything – with nothing to wear back to his room but a towel, it suddenly did.

Ennis was shy. Back in his school days, having to undress and shower in front of the other guys in PE had been torture for him. He’d gotten over a lot of it, but still, first time encounters were always a little bit traumatic, especially when he was the only one undressed. He stuck his head out nervously, feeling about as casual as a sixteen year old boy about to have his first time, hoping Jack would be distracted and not notice.

Jack must’ve been listening for the door to open, however, because just as soon as Ennis put one foot out into the hall, Jack popped out of the kitchen holding a bottle of the wine they’d bought. “Is it ok if I go ahead and open this wine? Guess I’m not really in the mood for beer tonight after all.”

Ennis yanked his bare foot back in the bathroom quickly, peering out around the door frame. “Sure. Help yourself.”

“Want me to pour you a glass?” Jack asked, sounding innocent and good-mannered, but Ennis wasn’t sure he believed that.

“Ummm…. sure… that’d be good.” He tried to fake cool and normal, but from the concerned look on Jack’s handsome face, it was pretty obvious that he was failing.

“What’s wrong?” Jack started walking his way, the one thing Ennis had hoped he wouldn’t do. The fact that he was nearly naked and that Jack was there in his house, looking luscious and tasty and for the unspoken but understood purposes of sex, was making his dick insane with impatience, and as soon as Jack had stepped out of the kitchen, it had begun rearing up into action mode yet again. Ennis clamped his fingers down on the towel to keep it in place and hopefully preserve some little bit of his modesty.

“Ummm…. nothing. I’m just not dressed,” Ennis muttered as Jack came to a stop about three feet away.

“I always take my showers naked, too. Don’t feel like the lone ranger there...” Jack grinned and Ennis felt his resolve to stay on track waver. In his fantasy, the order of the evening was wine, cooking, conversation, and then sex, and that’s the way he’d been expecting it to happen. But maybe it wouldn’t matter if they mixed it up a bit. Or at least had an appetizer out of order to take the edge off.

Jack took a step closer. Ennis breathed. That was all he could do. Fate was in charge. “How come you’re so nervous? I kinda thought I was gonna get to see you naked later on anyway…. Am I misreading the signs here?”

Ennis’s cock throbbed, twitching beneath the thin towel, sending telepathic messages up to Jack, who apparently got them because he looked down at it and smirked.

“No. Just didn’t want to be too pushy is all.” Ennis had never before felt so exposed and horny and awkward all at one time in his entire life.

“It’s ok. I’m not offended,” Jack said, taking a step back, the look of total and complete innocence back on his face, all traces of smugness wiped clean away. “But I’m not in any hurry if you aren't. Go get dressed. I’ll pour us some wine and we’ll cook.”

“Ummm… ok.…”Ennis mumbled, but didn’t move because Jack was just right there still, blocking his way, and he wasn’t moving either.

Jack squinted at him suddenly, a funny look on his face. “What’s that on your face? By your ear?” he asked, moving in closer to inspect whatever it was. Ennis probed at the spot with his fingers, finding nothing, but Jack shook his head. “No. Other ear,” so with his other hand, Ennis reached up and ran his fingers over his skin. About the time he decided Jack was mistaken, he felt the cool breeze around his lower half as the towel he'd been holding so desperately just seconds before fell to the floor with a near-silent whoosh and he was left standing there in nothing but a boner and a beet-red blush.

They both looked down at the white towel pooled around his big feet, and then up to the unmistakable evidence of his eager affection that his dick was unashamedly providing. Their eyes met and Jack smiled in triumph as he closed the distance between them. “But if you are in a hurry, and it sure looks to me like maybe you are, I’m good for that too,” he whispered, and then Ennis felt Jack’s hands sliding over his hips as he was drawn into a strong, solid embrace and his lips got covered with Jack’s hungry kiss.

The Weekend Continues!

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 07:03:07 GMT

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner~!~!

I’m not sure if ya’ll are familiar with that saying or not, but we say it down here all the time. It applies to me tonight!! GO ME!!

(This post has lots of pics. To see them in BIG Size, double click.)

Today was a great day, altho it started off a little bit ruff. I told ya’ll in yesterday’s entry that dinner out last night was kinda disappointing. My appetizer was really good, but it was escargot (snails) and I think it kinda whacked on me about 6 o’clock this morning. Blech! We had to get up by 830 to do the Dog Walk, which was a fund raiser for the animal rescue group that I used to work with and will probably work with again next year. I quit because I wigged out and needed a break, but I think I’ve reset my jets, and Jim is more willing to do it with me now. He no longer has to play golf every minute the course is open, and that makes a huge difference in our happiness.

Anyway, we got ourselves together and headed out on time with archie and the babee toule. The BT’s real name is Tallulah, which got shortened to Toulee’, and we call her the babee toule (tool) most of the time. She is the world’s most boring dog, but she doesn’t get out much either, so the dog walk atmosphere put a big load of stress on her at first. Jim loves the Dog Whisperer show, etc, so he did some whispering tricks and she was fine by the time we got started.

A close-up:

It worked and she was fine by the time the event started. Here's a pic of me and Toule' and Archie. Archie (the brown dog) is named for Archie in DMP. He was dumped out in front of our house 3 yrs ago this Thanksgiving. Toule' was one of a litter that a friend of my mom's friend found in some obscure, not-good place.

It was a beautiful day and we had a most excellent time. The weather was perfect and the turnout was excellent.

I kinda got the impression that those two guys in the middle in blue shirts might be a couple, but i couldn't tell for sure. It's was cool to think they were, tho.

I love this pic. This dog looks just like Archie, only twice his size. When i asked for a pic, the little boy had to get in it too, and i think it's just precious. He obviously really loves his dog, and vice versa.

Altho I haven’t participated in many functions lately, they all get happy and hug me and make like it’s a big deal when I show up, so that was awesome and made me feel special. I’m sure it’s a trick to lure me back into the fold, and it will probably work, but wtfe… I need some stuff to do to make me feel like I’m doing my part for my causes. I’m an animal lover first and foremost, so I need to get back in the swing of things.

Here's me and Melinda. She looked at this picture and declared that our sunglasses make us look like movie stars, and i whole-heartedly agree!! :)

They had a silent auction and some contests after the walk. We didn’t win any contests, but I did get a cool package from the silent auction.

Along with the pic, i got this cool plate and two painted trivets/tiles. Yayay! There was some other stuff too, but this was the coolest part of the package.

Afterwards, we came home, did a few chores, then had a big nap. Then it was time for the poker tournament. It was supposed to start at 6 but didn’t get underway till after 7. Grrr. We didn’t have a great turnout, just 16 people played, but that was two tables and it lasted for about 3 hours, so it was still lots of fun. Here is a picture of the winner!

Today was a great money day for me! I got a check in the mail from DSP for $500 for some royalties – nothing amazing, but still, it’s my biggest check yet and I was pleased. Then I got $300 for winning the tournament. Yayayayay. When I have special ME money like that, I like to buy myself something that I will love and have for a long time. I have a terrible memory, but for some reason I can remember stuff when I buy something, so I like to mark special occasions with a present to me. I dunno what I want – well, yeah, I do, actually. I want a kickin’ leather jacket. Jim got one on our fall vakay, and altho I don’t want one like his, I want something way cool for me. So that will be my shopping goal. I will keep you posted.

Here are a couple of pics of Jim's jacket. It's to wear when he's riding his super cool bike. :)

The Bike!

If you look close, you'll notice there isn't a seat for me on there. He's going to have to get something more user friendly for my ass. I'm not studying trying to hang on to that monster!

This is the thing that makes my whole Jake obsession make me go ????? Jim is the kind of guy that turns me on. I've been crazy about him since i first met him almost 20 years ago, when we were both married to other people. But when he finally wore me out with his badass, redneck, no woman skills whatsover personality, i guess it makes sense that Jake would seem like a much better deal. He's as different from Jim as he can be. Like i said, Jim's doing better now, just user-friendly enough to make it work, and we had a great day today, so i'm feeling very on top of the world at the moment!

Ok, enough about my day. I hope ya’ll had a great Saturday too. If you read this, comment about your day and what you did. I know folks read comments here, so it’ll be a community chat! It’s all good. Big hugs. Love me!

??? Vegas Cabbie ???

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 06:24:00 GMT

Does anyone have a link for this story? I can't find it in BBS. Maybe i'm just tired and overlooking it, but i can't recall the author's name, i loved the story, and Jill hasn't read it. Even tho it's a WIP that might not get finished, it was good. Help. :)

PS: i'm working on my daily blog post. It's not midnight yet somewhere! :)

My Weekend, etc.

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:27:13 GMT

This is my Friday Entry, a bit late. This is a long and rambling post that begins with my weekend and ends in an apology for me being such a retard about Jake.

As all you guys know, I’m an air traffic controller. We work 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, so you can fly wherever you want, whenever you want, safely. After 19 years on the job, I’m finally senior enough to get weekends off. I just changed over from having Su/Mo off to having Sa/Su off a couple of weeks ago, in conjunction with my fall vacation. This is my second official weekend off at home. Last weekend my husband had to be away with family drama, so it didn’t count.

I went to work this morning at 7 a.m. expecting to go to a boring and stupid class, but my boss said, “Plug in. Nobody came to work today, you’re not doing the class, we’ll reschedule you.” Groovy, cause I’d much rather work airplanes than sit in a boring class. Plus, I’d get to get off at 300 instead of 330, so that was great.

About an hour later, he said, “Do you wanna work overtime tonight?” cause no one was showing up for that shift either. I said, “NO!” because I had plans. We agreed that I had child care issues, even tho I don’t have any real kids, and I was off the hook. There are always people who actually want to work on their day off, so I’m happy to let them have it.

The last words out of my mouth this morning as I was leaving home, before I said, “I love you, bye,” were, “I’m really looking forward to our weekend.”

Most of you who’ve been friends with me and followed my posts have known that I went a little bit crazy about Jake for a while. I’ve been coming down from that weirdness for a while, but just in the last couple of weeks, I think I’ve finally gotten past the last bitter dregs of it, and while I know it served a purpose for me for a while, I can’t really help but look back on that time with bad feelings.

I think that’s the very worst thing about being a fangurl – thinking about your hero as a real person, because it’s a guaranteed letdown because he will never be that to you. At first, I was just able to think of Jake as my cute fantasy guy hanging out with his cute guy friends, getting lunch at the sidewalk café with this or that dude, whatever, leading the out but in-the-closet-gay life, and I was all happy with that. But then, Reese came along and it got all f’d up for me because I was attached to thinking of him as a gay guy who was inspirational for my stories AND a gay guy who might be fun for me to hang out with. She botched all of that up, and it just made me f’n crazy for a while.

Jill (mrs spamlad) and I were chatting about fangurling the other day, and she said something that really hit home for me. When you are unhappy or have a big gap in your life, you can get attached to a celebrity and stick them in that empty hole, to fill it till you can get someone real to do it for you. That was the case with Jake, for me. I had so much unhappiness in my life – my parents, my animal rescue efforts, my job and my marriage were all a big zero or worse. Jake came in to play in regards to my marriage, because he was my ideal day date. He liked to go out shopping, walking around the city, getting lunch, maybe a glass of wine- I could see us going to shows or exhibits together, and mainly him just being nice to me, talking and laughing and having fun.

I did not have that in my life with my husband, and I wanted it desperately. At some point, after Jim and I decided not to get a divorce, I was able to convey to him that he needed to be nicer to me if we were going to make it, and he finally Got It and slowly started to change.

Now, in Jim’s defense, my husband is not a bad buy, but he had an Ennis del Mar upbringing. They didn’t even have an outhouse when he was little; they had to poop in a field. So the niceties of being nice to other people wasn’t something he ever learned, and since he grew up with 3 brothers, he certainly never learned about being nice to women. I am his third (3^rd) wife, and I think that fact was the kicker that made him realize he needed to get a clue before he lost me too. So at some point, after we hit the low point of our marriage in the summer of 2007, he started trying to be nice to me.

We’ve been doing great for several months now, and that jives with my declining passion for Jake. I’m happy about both. I don’t think Jake would mind getting usurped IF he found out, and I know my husband is happier this way. Things are much better now, but it’s been slow goings and my husband isn't totally confident yet. Just a couple of weeks ago, as I was getting ready for work, he asked, “Are we doing ok? I’ve been trying really hard to be nice to you lately.”

I gave him by best, “Wtfe!?!?” look and asked, “Is it really that hard to be nice to me? Am I that awful?”

He immediately began to backpedal, because NO, I’m not that awful. I’m actually a pretty easy-going wife. We don’t have kids, we both work, make good money, don’t have any bizarre hobbies or proclivities, and life is – overall – good. Both our dads’ health is day-by-day, but for the moment, all is well. We have no serious complaints.

So he said, “No, you’re fine, but it’s just hard for me, because I’m not good at it.” That’s Neanderthal for “I have no idea how to deal with women,” which is absolutely his problem. But he’s learning, slowly but surely, and since we had a really nice weekend planned, I wasn’t willing to give it up for the bit of extra money they were offering me to pay me for overtime.

We went to dinner at a “nice” restaurant in Memphis. It was just mediocre, not great like I expected, but we had a nice time and I’m glad we went. It was downtown, it was an adventure, and we saw some other places we want to try later on. While we were there, we talked about weekend trips we want to take next year (NYC, Dallas, Salt Lake City for snowmobiling, Seattle & Washington DC), and on the way home, I told him about my possible new obsession: I want to learn to make raviolis. I know some of you have read Part 1 of my story, The Joys of Cooking and Sex. In that story, Ennis sells homemade cheese and breads at his market. It got me to thinking about what I’d like to make for his shop: a line of specialty raviolis. And there you go, a new passion is born.

Anyway, in closing on this post, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings in conversations about Jake, or if made you lose respect for me because you thought I was crazy. For a little while I was crazy, and I couldn’t help it. It’s happened to me before, and it will probably happen again about some other issue. The world turns, things change and life goes on. I’m fine now, but if I stepped on your toes or was rude or stupid with you, I apologize. That’s the only regret I have. I don’t mind being stupid for myself, but I hate it when other people get hurt along with me.

My fun weekend continues with a 2 mile dog walk tomorrow, then a poker tournament tomorrow night. Wish me luck. I’ll keep you posted on how I do. Big hugs. S!

here's where we had dinner: http://www.flightmemphis.com/
we gave it 2.5 stars out of 5. :/

November Fifth Blog

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:55:13 GMT

Today’s Blog entry is a bit of fic. This is part one of a two-part (please!) one-shot. Since it’s very short, the title doubles as a summary. J

The Joys of Cooking and Sex - Part 1/2

Ennis stacked the onions in their bin, working fast at the mundane task, saying, “Hi, how are you?” and “Fine, thanks,” to the regulars as they slid past him, taking onions from his crate and garlic and scallions from the display case he was working on. That meant lots of incidental brushing and touching as the customers schooled around him like big, slow moving fish. He was used to that and okay with it, except for when it was him. On the days when he came in, Ennis tried to stay out of tight places, because getting touched by him made Ennis crazy. He’d get careless and stupid, dropping produce like it was slicked up with butter, forgetting even the most basic things, like the price code for organic arugula or where they kept the special watermelon rind relish that Mrs. Craddock liked.

The customer in question – whose mere presence turned Ennis into a bumbling fool – was Jack Twist. Jack had started shopping at Ennis’s produce market a few months ago, back in early summer. Ennis had first noticed him hefting a rather average looking watermelon into Clara Beckett’s buggy. Clara was in her mid-forties and ran a small goat farm on the edge of town which supplied him with excellent cheeses. She biked at least fifty miles a week, was as strong as an ox from man-handling her heard and could probably give Jack a run for his money in a watermelon tossing contest. However, Ennis could totally relate to the sappy-happy look on her face as she nodded and thanked him profusely for his help, as if he’d just shared with her the secret of world peace. Or at least a really great recipe for chevre.

As luck would have it, the very first day that Jack had come into his store, David, who was running the register, was also in the middle of a very serious spat with his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. Melissa. When David quit answering Melissa's text messages, she blasted into the store to continue their “discussion.” Ennis – with a keen eye for impending disaster – had sent David off on an early lunch with his persnickety queen and taken over the register. In addition to maintainting civil operations in the store, that post had given him the perfect opportunity to make the acquaintance of his new, drop-dead gorgeous customer, Jack Twist.

As Ennis had rung up his purchases, Jack had been complimentary of the store, saying nice things about the freshness of his fruits and vegetables and the interesting variety of locally-made breads and cheeses. Ennis had blushed and fumbled through the conversation, accidentally ringing him up for five pounds of potatoes instead of three pounds of tomatoes, then flipping the pen into Mrs. Stoutmeyer’s basket of turnip greens when he tried to hand it over for Jack to sign his credit card receipt.

Mrs. Stoutmeyer, who was seventy-seven if she was a day with the grey hair to prove it, had giggled like a little girl as Jack fished the pen out from the fluffy green leaves. “I think he likes you! He likes the boys, you know!” After a few too many eggnogs, Ennis had accidentally outed himself a couple of years back at the Downtown Business Owners Association Christmas party. The news had spread like wildfire and the ladies had been match-making like mad ever since.

The floor had refused to open up and swallow him, even though he’d willed it to, so he’d caught the full force of Jack’s thousand-watt gaze. “For real? You’re gay?”

Ennis had nodded dumbly, hoping he wasn’t drooling. Jack, with his close-cut stubble and electric blue eyes, was the best looking guy he’d ever seen in 3D, and he looked more pleased than freaked by Mrs. Stoutmeyer’s announcement.

“Cool. It’s great to see more people out these days.” He handed the pen and credit card receipt back to Ennis. “I work in the counseling office over at UNC. Lotsa kids still have a hard time with it.”

Jack didn’t look far out of college himself. Ennis wasn’t sure if there was any hidden orientation information there or not, so he hadn’t been sure how to answer and ended up saying a very lame, “Yeah, I bet.”

“Listen, I gotta run. It was nice meeting you. See you next time, Ennis,” he’d said with a grin as awesome as his eyes, making Mrs. Stoutmeyer giggle again as he gathered up his bags and walked away. Ennis and Mrs. Stoutmeyer had both watched him leave, two sets of eyes glued helplessly to his perfect ass which his light colored chinos showed off very nicely.

That day had set the stage for the rest of the summer, with Ennis never knowing when he would look up and see Jack in his store, chatting with one of the other customers or fondling his pears or caressing his cucumbers. He wasn’t local, Ennis knew that much, and his timing was unpredictable, so Ennis never knew when to watch for him. Each time he came in, however, at some point he’d make it a point to seek Ennis out and chat with him for a few minutes: sometimes about the weather or a movie he’d seen, sometimes about a new dish he was planning to try. Ennis liked to cook too, and sometimes, after Jack left, Ennis would think about him in his house, cooking the food he’d bought from Ennis’s market. As the summer went by and Jack’s visits became a regular thing, Ennis got bold and let himself imagine they were at his house, drinking wine and cooking together.

Summer faded gently into autumn, beautiful and crisp, bright leaves changing the landscape into a gorgeous mosaic of orange, red and gold. A couple of weeks into September, Ennis had been in a tight spot filling up the apple bin when he felt a body squeeze by him, closer than usual, and he was pretty sure that just for an instant, a manly crotch had been pushing into his ass.

“Hey. Sorry. It’s tight in here today.” The words had come just inches from his ear, soft and breathy and unmistakably Jack, and Ennis’s whole body had clenched up with need in an instant. He’d never popped wood so fast in his whole life, and considering his thirty-third birthday was coming up soon, that was pretty amazing.

“Ummm…. yeah…. Just got some fresh apples,” Ennis had said inanely, feeling stupid and totally off-balance. He snatched one up, looking over his shoulder into eyes that were more hot than friendly that time around. “Want one?” he’d offered, and Jack had said, “Are they good?” and Ennis had swallowed hard and croaked out, “Firm and juicy. Guaranteed.” His face had turned as red as the apple, because he never flirted, especially not like that. It was out of his league.

But Jack had drawn back his lips in a fierce, feral grin and said, “Just the way I like it,” and taken the apple from him like a prize, sinking his white teeth into it with gusto.

Ever since that day three weeks ago, Ennis had had a hard time staying focused when he was out on the floor stocking, and he’d developed a strange sexual response to apples. That’s why he’d left David to do the fruits and he was elbows-deep in onions. The weather had turned nasty and the customers were hurrying to get their things and go home, bumping into him willy-nilly. Jack hadn’t been in for almost two weeks, and Ennis had hoped he might show up today, but that wasn’t looking likely. On top of the bad weather, it was Friday night and almost closing time. A guy as hot as him would have better things to do than food shop.

“Excuse me, ma’am, I think you dropped this,” Ennis heard someone say behind him, and it only took about two seconds for his dick to recognize the voice. It was already tingling by the time his brain said, “Jack.”

“Oh my, yes! That’s my list! I’d be lost without it.” That was Mrs. Stoutmeyer, who quickly proved that age hadn’t dulled her memory at all. “You’re that handsome young man our Ennis likes so much. When are you going to take pity on the boy and ask him for a date?”

Before Ennis could even cringe and wish for death or alien abductions, Jack answered back, “Maybe I’m waiting for him to ask me. Guess that’s too much to hope for, huh?”

“Yes dear,” she said in her wavery, old-lady voice. “He’s so very shy, you know. I think he probably had his heart broken in the past and now he’s scared to try again.” Ennis didn’t dare look around, but could just imagine her reaching out to pat Jack’s forearm like she did to him every time they talked. “He needs some excitement to wake him up and I think you could be just the thing!”

Ennis could hear the smile in Jack’s voice when he said, “You think so, huh? So he’s not seeing anybody? Good looking guy like him?”

“Oh, nooooo…. he’s very single,” she confided in a loud whisper. She must’ve finally noticed that he was standing only five feet away.

“Ok, if you’re sure. I don’t want some jealous boyfriend breaking my nose!”

“Don’t you worry, he’s free and clear. We keep an eye on him around here, you know.”

Jack laughed. “I bet you do!”

A few seconds later, Ennis felt a warm presence easing into the spot next to him, and when he looked, Jack was there, casually delectable in dark jeans and a black vee-necked sweater. Ennis could see dark hair in the vee and he wondered if it went all the way down to Jack’s…..

“Hey. Nasty out there.”

“Yeah,” Ennis huffed, trying not to think about the hair anymore, because he wasn’t wearing his apron and his dick was getting way too excited to be subtle.

“How are you?” Jack asked, and the softness in his voice was a reassuring contrast to the hungry heat that Ennis could feel tamped just beneath the surface.

“I’m good,” Ennis said, slowing up with the onions and daring eye contact, even though he was afraid Jack might run away when he got a look at the lust Ennis couldn’t quite hide. “Finishing up.”

“Yeah. Ya’ll close soon, don’t you?”

“Yeah. At seven.”

“Hmm.” Jack reached for an onion, put it in the green basket he was carrying.

Ennis took a steadying breath. “I think it’s s’posed to rain all night. Maybe even flash floods.”

“Yeah, that’s what they said on the radio.” Jack gave him a serious stare, and Ennis squeezed down hard on the onion he was holding. “I hate driving in the rain.”

Ennis swallowed, set the onion down gingerly on top of the pile he’d made. “Yeah, me too.” He cleared his throat, dredged up his courage by the bucketful and said, “Umm… I just live a few streets over, if you wanna come over and wait it out. We could take some stuff home, make dinner?” Jack’s lips twitched and Ennis felt heat washing over him, but his dick wasn’t embarrassed at all, was standing up straight and tall and cheering for his show of bravery.

“You sure you don’t mind? Don’t have other plans?” Jack tilted his head, studying him through his unreasonably thick eyelashes, maybe reading his mind a little bit.

“No,” Ennis said, shaking his head. “Maybe watch the game is all.” Jack’s eyes narrowed and Ennis said quickly, “But I can miss it. I haven’t had any company in a while,” he added meaningfully, and Jack nodded, seeming to understand.

“Ok… that sounds like a good plan. What do you like?”

From the curious but sly look in Jack’s eyes, Ennis wasn’t sure what preference he was asking about, so he just said, “Everything,” which was a safe answer because it was the truth about both food and sex.

“Excellent. I’ll keep that in mind.” Jack flashed him a big, pearly-white smile, and Ennis swallowed down the need to tackle him to the floor right then and there and forced himself to go back to work. The sooner he finished, the sooner they could go home and cook.

November Fourth Blog

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:18:47 GMT

The topic of today’s blog is Another Kind of Love, which lives in my Whiskiegurl journal. At the end of the blog, I ask a question about what type of stories you enjoy the most. Even if you don’t read the entire post, please read the last 3 paragraphs (they're short) and comment if you’re of a mind too. Thanks. S!

Sorry that I missed blogging yesterday. My bad. This is the first week of November which means Senior Lunch at church on Thursday, so I’m eyeballs deep in cooking.

What I want to be eyeballs deep in is writing. As I mentioned on Monday, Cwby30 asked me to write a Future Tension Chapter of AKL as his prize for winning a contest at Looking Back. I’m well into the chapter, and hope to get it done in another day or two, but I’m going to take these few minutes while my potatoes are boiling to do my Daily Blog.

In order to do justice to Cwby30’s request, I had to go back and reread AKL. This wasn’t a huge hardship for me because I’ve been thinking vaguely of reworking it some, finishing it, and submitting it to DSP as a novel. It was rather popular while I was writing it, and folks still mention it from time to time, and since it’s so close to being finished, I figured it might be a good place for me to start.

OMG!

You guys were really nice to me about that story. As I was reading back through it, I kept going: No Way!! Are you for real??? That’s not possible!! That’s not realistic! Come on!!!

Just a few things that stood out to me:

1. Ennis having a boner for the first several minutes after discovering Jack in his kitchen. I can deal with him having one when Jack first looks up from wiping the spilt beer off the floor, but it’s gotta go away real soon after that.

2. The whole “blow job” discussion was a bit far-fetched, but since Ennis is stupid from lack of sleep and over-heating, and since he WAS getting a dream BJ right before Jack and Sadie descended on his house, and since Jack is tweaking and ready to go along with most anything to get out without getting punched or arrested, I’m gonna let that stay.

3. The instant attraction between the two of them is ok, imo, because people do feel instantly attracted to each other. But all the friendship roadblocks that Ennis throws up right away seem a bit odd to me. I’m going to have to revisit that issue. I want him to like Jack and want to be friends with him and be attracted to him at the same time, but I think maybe it all needs to happen at a slower pace.

4. The instant jealously that Jack feels when Ennis goes out looking for sex with a girl to take the pressure off does feel reasonable.

5. Jack assuming he can sleep in Ennis’s bed when Sadie doesn’t want to spend the night at his house.

And so it goes from there. The story was actually fun to read, the action was exciting and vivid, but it just wasn’t realistic, imo. A few months ago, I was cruising through the DC Thread to see if LB was getting any chatter. The discussion of the day was quality of stories or good older authors or something, I can’t remember for sure. Anyway, someone I didn’t know made a comment that Sienna used to write really good stories, but not so much anymore. (That’s not a quote, just a general recap of what was said.)

That kinda made me go hmm. I happen to think that LB is a pretty good story, as far as serial stories go. I know that it’s way too long, too detailed, too dark and violent for some folks, and even too frustrating with poor Ennis taking 70 some-odd chapters to finally grow a pair. But still, I think it’s realistic, believable, easy to read and follow, and something is always happening to move the plot along, although it might just be a baby step or two. So I think – as far as stories go – it’s legit and a decent read. However, what I think doesn’t really matter. It’s what the reader thinks/enjoys that matters, and if folks aren’t digging my stuff, then I want to do better.

SO that makes me wonder: what does a reader want in their M/M romance?

I felt that AKL was a fun romp, but that it couldn’t really hold water in the believability department. Ya’ll cut me some slack because it was J&E, and we all know they are gonna fall in love almost immediately. But if it was a story about Jed and Ethan, written by Martha Sue Ecklesby, folks would be going “WTF?”

I’m still planning to rework AKL – someday – and submit it – somewhere. However, I realize now that it’s going to be a much bigger task than I originally assumed.

In the meantime, I’m just curious: what do you like to read in your M/M romance? What would be the synopsis of your dream story? What hook or storyline grabs you most when you read it on the cover?

For example, I like first times, I like sexual discovery stories, I like one pairing, I like sex but not gratuitous sex, I like love but not gooey love, and I like sexual tension with a lot of heat.

What do you like? Please share. You can leave anonymous comments if you want to – I don’t care who says what – I’m just curious about what gets you itching to read a story. J

POP Trailer

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:05:17 GMT

The topic of my blog post today was the POP trailer, which disappeared soon after i posted the link. Not sure what is up with that. Anyway, I think the trailer looks awesome. I wasn't really expecting to like POP since it's not the kind of movie i usually like, but i think i am going to be pleasantly surprised!

I'm not sure why the trailer keeps playing hide and go seek, but it's here as of 2 minutes ago. I watched it again. Yayay Jake! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxAM_XMZBd8

Daily Blog - Day 2

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:58:22 GMT

It occurs to me that instead of blogging about AKL, I should be working on Cwby30’s chapter. So today, I’m just going to do a very short entry and get busy with the million things I have to do before I go to work at four pm.

I only have a couple of sites I check every day. One of them is a blog devoted to – surprise – Jake Gyllenhaal. Austin Nichols is the other star of the blog, but I’m not interested in him, other than as he pertains to Jake, which doesn’t appear to be much lately.

Anyway, today’s blog featured a link to The Prince of Persia. I wasn’t real optimistic about it – it’s not really the type of movie I usually enjoy, the Disney people have been so quiet about it up to now, and no one else had much encouraging to say about it either. However, I clicked on the link and must say: I can’t wait to see it!!! It looks exciting, Jake looks great, his accent sounds great, and from what I saw, he appears to have great chemistry with his co-star. They were very cute together.

After a rather disappointing run of JBG movies – imo – it is nice to have something to look forward to. I even think I’ll like Brothers, but I don’t have a lot of expectations about it doing great at the box office. Christmas doesn’t seem like the best time to release a movie like that, but what do I know?? They get paid a lot of money to figure that stuff out, so hopefully they know what they’re doing.

Either way, POP looks great. Go Jake Go!

Here’s the link to the trailer. ETA: The trailer was playing this morning, but last time i checked it wasn't. Not sure what happened to it. If i find another place where it's available, i'll post the link. Maybe this site will start showing it again later. Not sure what happened. :( http://www.cinema.com.my/

Blog month - Take two!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 04:36:55 GMT

I noticed on my friends’ page, thanks to fuzzy_carpet, that it’s national blog month again. Barb (Lawgoddess) did it last year and I tried to follow along, but according to my journal, I only made 8 entries. I’m pretty sure there were more than 8 days in November last year. Maybe I’ll do better this time, but probably not.

Wow. A lot has changed over the past year. Here are a few high points.

1. I’ve gained some more weight and gotten saggy jowls. Oh joy. Aging can be fun. (I took this picture myself!)

2. I got rid of BFF Jack’s mustang and BFF Mr. Twist’s little merc and got a bigger little merc that is just mine (and the bank’s.) It’s an ‘05 but that’s fine. I still love it. (I have car issues because my mom and dad kept the same car when I was growing up until it was just scrap metal with wheels. Please ‘scuse me for my strangeness.)

3. I got something published in a real book. Yayay. DSP accepted The Perils of Tardiness and Telling Tall Tales for Games in the Dark. They did not accept my non-chocolatey, non-Christmasy Christmas story, however, so I got my first rejection letter too. I survived.

4. I made a new friend: Jill (mrs_spamlad) and I have gotten to be pretty tight buds. We are conspiring to co-write our own anthology of m/m romance, with the prevailing theme being… romance! So far, we’ve made a date to get together and discuss it. Go us!! Also, we are taking a writing class to sharpen our skillz. I think we are each about 2 lessons behind. Hmmm. (You'll just have to imagine all this, since there are no pics of us ignoring our homework!)

5. My dad is healthy and happy and going strong after a very scary 2008. I got to spend a week with him while mom went on vakay to Martha’s Vineyard. He and I had a great time. Mom brought me back a cool sweatshirt from Provincetown, a very gay little town on the tip of Rhode Island. After three and a half years, she’s finally getting a sense of humor about my boy/boy fetish. She has a beagle fetish.

6. Not to be outdone, I have developed a new fetish: Cowboy boots. I got 2 new pair on my fall vakay. Here’s a close-up of one pair.

Ok… I guess that’s enough for now. I don't want to run out of things to say the first day. Tomorrow's post will probably be about AKL. Cwby30 won a contest at Looking Back and ask for, as a prize, a chapter of that. It's in the works. :)

Hugs. Bye for now. S!

My card... i think it's me!

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:21:45 GMT

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

OMG... wow.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 04:30:02 GMT

I was just scrolling thru my friends page, and someone said Rocky Horror was coming on their fuse channel in just a minute - i'm not sure what fuse is, but i decided to check my satellite for shows, since i like RH. Amazingly enuf, BBM is starting in 3 minutes. Awesome. I haven't watched it in a while, and i'm all annoyed with my husband - he can be such a freaking GUY sometimes, no insult to guys overall intended but wtfe!!!, and anyway, he hates it when i watch it, and he's going to sleep but still, i'm gonna watch it. the muse beast could sure use a little refueling, no doubt about that.

hugs all around. s.

a really really good story

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 06:06:39 GMT

I've been reading a few non-fanfic m/m stories lately, trying to get all revved up with the urge to write, and i'll be honest: you can pay money for some pretty crappy stuff if you aren't careful. I'm not sure what's up with folks... if they just want to read so badly that they don't care if it's good or not, or if folks just want to read about sex and they don't care about plot or style or realistic dialogue.

I care about all that stuff and tonite i found a story that lived up to all my hopes and expectations. It wasn't deep or meaningful or lifechanging... it's not a BBM type of story. It's a m/m love story about 2 college roommates who like to play games. Just for fun....

Yeah. Exactly....

So anyway, here's the link to the author, Evangeline Anderson's, website. The ebook costs $3.50 and i totally got my money's worth out of it. I'm going to investigate buying some of her other stories too. I haven't read any of the other blurbs, but Str8te Boys was great, and if she keeps up that level of entertainment, she's a keeper. it was really inspiring and educational - for me as a writer - to read something totally original that was fun and humorous and captivating from the first page to the last.

If you chose to buy it, i really don't think you'll be disappointed. It's a fun, sexy and light-hearted love story, and i think we can all enjoy that!

If you buy it, please let me know what you think. Hugs. S.

http://www.evangelineanderson.com/?page_id=116

Question

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 03:54:27 GMT

Have they made any hot, steamy, sexy romantic movies in the last few years with hot sex scenes? Like 9 1/2 Weeks, only semi-recent??????

the new Dreamspinner Press newsletter

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 19:27:11 GMT

Hey guys... here's the latest DSP newsletter. i really enjoyed the quickie. i'm not sure who wrote it, but it was very well done.

http://www.aweber.com/z/article/?dreamspinner&ID=AEwMDJy0DOy0TKwETIxcjMxcDEx0zJxMLOy0DCwA

also, our own lovely Joanne (bagel1) has a story coming out at the end of the month. click here and scroll down to Held Captive, by Joanne Kells to read all about it! :)

http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/comingsoon.htm

A MeMe...

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:14:58 GMT

120cassie tagged me to do this. It's late and my brain is not up for making selections, so i'm not going to tag folks. However, i enjoy reading these, so if you've read mine and want to do it to, please... do. =D

Who sleeps in bed next to you?
Seems like half my household. My sweetie's on one side of our king-sized bed and i'm on the other. Archie (dog) is in the middle, under the covers. Sammy (cat) is on top of me. Suzie (cat) is usually down by our feet. Beebse (big cat) is often between our pillows or on MY pillow. Ozzy (cat) sometimes sleeps with us if he can find a spot.

Have you ever fancied a cartoon?
I'm not sure what that means. I've never had a crush on a cartoon character, but i've enjoyed many cartoons. The Pink Panther and Scooby Doo were my favorites.

What are you reading right now?
I just finished a book by Elizabeth Berg that i really enjoyed: The Pull of the Moon. It was about a 50 yr old woman who realized she'd lost herself somewhere during the business of life, and she went on a trip to rediscover herself.

What’s your occupation?
I'm an air traffic controller. It's a nice job, but i can't wait to retire, which i can do when i turn 50, in 5 1/2 years.

What do you hate right now?
My body. I've regained a lot of weight that i lost, and i've quit working out.

Who is your celebrity crush?
I don't have one, and after the last one, i hope i never have another one! LOL!

What’s your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
I think i'm between addictions.

What are you listening to right now?
Latrish, talking to airplanes and popping her gum.

What food could you eat every day for weeks and not get sick of?
I love Asian food, especially noodle soups. But i love all pasta, so i guess Pasta is the answer.

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
LJ, Facebook, AOL for my email, the Jake blog, and usually the DC Forum, altho I don't participate. Also, I Can Haz Cheeseburger. I love the LOL Cats!

What are you going to do next year?
I plan to pick Sa/Su as my days off next year and i hope to take lots of weekend trips with my sweetie. I would also like to get a novel ready to go by next year. I'm thinking of reworking/finishing Another Kind of Love.

What was the cutest thing you’ve seen today?
Beebse curled up in the bathroom sink, watching for drips from the faucet.

Does the weather affect your mood?
I love cloudy/rainy days, so i can take a lot of them before i start to get antsy with them. But along about late Feb, early Mar, i do get really tired of the cold and the gloom and am very anxious for spring to take hold.

What is your favorite type of cheese?
Blue cheese

Do you want to learn another language?
No. I suck at other languages and get frustrated and it doesn't work. My brain doesn't work that way. NO!

5 things you can’t live without:
My sweetie, my pets, my Iphone, my laptop, my drinks.

If you could meet anyone right now, who would you meet?
Jill (mrs spamlad)

What’s something you’d like to say to someone right now?
Chill. Live your life. Be happy.

What are you looking forward to?
This weekend: Finishing up a writing project for DSP. Getting some new clothes that fit my fuller figure! Shopping for a new bed.

What did you dream last night?
I have no idea - I was asleep.

Boy Icons

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:06:59 GMT

If anyone is looking for some 'really hot but tasteful in a nsfw way' b/b'icons, here's an awesome new batch.

http://community.livejournal.com/strikers_design/23774.html#cutid1

Interesting Article for M/M Writers

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:14:25 GMT

Here's an interesting article about the new trend of m/m stories written by/for women (mostly). It's from a June edition of a big paper, maybe the Boston Globe... i forgot already in the 20 seconds since i read it. Duh.

Anyway, vakay is winding down. We leave for home in the morning. Should touch down in Memphis around 12:45. Yayay. I've had a great time, but i'm really looking forward to getting back to my house and my pets and my new (old) car. It sucks to get a new car and then leave two days later! I'll drive it up to see the 'rents on Monday. They got a new car too. Go Mom.

I've been working on LB today. I may have some chapters to post tonight. Hugs. S!

http://www.citypaper.com/arts/story.asp?id=18234

Yayayayay! My new Short Story is on sale at DSP.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:54:30 GMT

New Short Story Now Available in eBook!

Turning Thirty by Sienna Bishop

eBook Price: 2.99
Length: 33 pages

After a bad break-up with his boyfriend and his family, Ethan moves to the mountains to start over. Being on his own is good, up to a point, but the mountains do get awfully cold at night, and his thirtieth birthday looms especially lonely. Luckily for Ethan, his solitary plans take a turn for the better when Ben, the hot new guy in town, wants to help him celebrate.

PS: you've probably already read this story. i wrote it for heath's birthday this year. :)

A Me Meme

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:43:36 GMT

A picture meme that i stole from Cassie120 - julie.

A.) Post ten of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.

B.) NO CAPTIONS! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.

C.) They must ALREADY be on your hard drive -- no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.

D.) You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.

1 +1 =3 (and me)

i always wanted a bad boy with a good heart. i got one.

please excuse my extra fuzz.

every since bbm, i love the moon.

i smile a lot.

sometimes up, sometimes down, but definitely always. <3

flip flops & purple toes = fun

Zoommmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!

Want!!!!!!!!

my muse... let me show you him.

I'm on vakay in North Carolina. I'm having a good time and will post some pics soon. I saw this on Julie's LJ, and i wanted to do it too. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to fine ME again. This kinda hit the spot.

Thanks for all the comments and messages. I'm sorry i've been so blank lately. Hopefully i'm turning a corner. Hugs all around. S.

Little Help for a friend please

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:58:10 GMT

One of my girl friends at work is having a long-distance flirtship with a guy she knew in college but hasn't seen since. They reconnected on FaceBook. She would like some romantic and sexy one liners for sex texting and ask for ideas.

She's in her mid-forties, divorced, 2 grown kids, ex-military, totally self-sufficient, likes to travel, is a complete and total germaphobe, tall, slim and very attractive. And not real creative, so she ask me to ask ya'll for some tips.

Anybody have any??? :-D

Here's a cute boy to get you thinking... He looks like he needs a hot text message.

a few recent pics... s!stuff

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 03:22:53 GMT

You guys said you enjoy my picture posts, so here is one with a few random pics from the last month or so.

Here's me and Karla in Florida last month. We're somewhere around Cocoa Beach, sporting our brand new Brighton sunglasses. We love Brighton stuff!

I got new shuz too!

Her friend Kelly took us for a river ride on her airboat . That was lots of fun!

And she let us play with her cows! More fun!

But i love the beach best, so here's one more pic of that.

A couple of weeks later, back in MS... my sweetie went off with his buds to play golf, and i decided to go spend the night with my folks on a Friday night. Normally I'd have to work, but i had the weekend off. So he went one way and i went another, and while we were gone, a very BIG storm came and blew everything all to smithereens! We were lucky that we didnt' get much damage, but we did have one tree down, lots of limbs, and some fencing. And our power was out for about 16 hrs, which totally sucked since our most vulnerable dogs are protected from escaping by electric fence. Happily, they didn't want to go anywhere, but we were still in a panic. Angie, my friend who cleans my house and takes care of things when i'm out of pocket, came by and got well and truly mauled by the whole freaked-out herd!

The damage.

This tree was only leaned over when i got home. It fell the next day. Thank God none of my dogs got smashed.

Here's me surveying the damage, as if i might actually do something about it! Hahahaha.... i'm so lame with outdoor stuff. However, to my credit, it did take a bunch of men with chainsaws a bunch of hours to get things back to normal. Me and chainsaws are not a good mix!

Here's some pics of the crew.

Barkee Boy: i got him and his sister Barkee Gurl at a shelter a few years ago. BG got adopted, but BB is a bit odd and didn't. He's now the Top Dog at our house, large and in charge.

Here's Toulee, Polly and Wolfee. Wolfee is Senior Dog. He normally lives out front with Barkee, but he was in the back for the de-treeing.

I was showing a real nice girl at work some of my dog pictures. I showed her this one of Zeen Zeen, who lives out front with Barkee and Wolfee. She's a recent rescue:

Then i showed her this one of Belle, who we got along with ZZ... she's a definite sad story turned bright. While my husband was sitting out on the front porch with them one day, he noticed scars around one of her rear ankles where she was most likely tied up, probably to be used as bait/practice for bigger, meaner fighting pits. She is such a sweetie with HER dogs, but she's a holy terror when a strange dog makes a move on her. OMG.

Anyway, i was showing this girl all these pics, and she was smiling and nodding and acting all interested, and then i clicked on this.

All of a sudden, she wasn't just acting interested anymore! :)

I've got some more pics to post, but i'll let you digest these for a while, then post more later. Hope they weren't too humdrum.

Hugs all around. S.

I made some LOL's

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:16:27 GMT

my LOL's

moar funny pictures

moar funny pictures

LOVE!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:04:24 GMT

this totally rox my wurld. moar pics heer

http://ihasahotdog.com/
see more dog and puppy pictures

Uncle Already!!! (A long and rambly personal post about me.)

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 19:48:20 GMT

It’s weird how life has a way of bitch-slapping you when you screw up. I’ve long known that it works that way, because it happens to me all the time, and this past week has proven once again that nothing has changed. The gods of justice are still watching me.

A few weeks ago, I got in a dust-up with a friend about some behavior that I thought was irresponsible and immoral. As far as it goes, I was right, but there are some extenuating circumstances, as there usually are when good people do bad things, and while they don’t totally excuse the behavior, they make it more understandable at least. And the bottom line is, this person is my friend. They love me and care about me without reservation, and that’s what I should offer back. While I don’t approve of what they’ve done, they’ve pissed in their own Wheaties, not mine. They don’t need me to stand around and point it out to them. They need me to be their friend and offer support, advice and maybe a shoulder to whine on while they try to get past this. I see that now, but I’ve had a hard time getting to this point. The bitch-slapping helped.

Last weekend, I went to see my in-laws. While there, I got into a discussion about religion with my sis-in-law, who I love dearly. She’s Catholic, and we got to talking about covenants and why she was able to be Catholic but not Baptist. (because C’s can drink and B’s can’t.) Anyway, I have a hard time with religion. I was raised Methodist, with lots of Baptist and Presbyterian thrown in, and my first memories with my grandparents involve religion: learning the Lord’s Prayer and the 23 Psalm. I went to church all my life until I left home, and then I quit going, because it just wasn't important to me. A few years ago, I started again because I wanted that to be a part of my life like it was my g’rents and rents. I wanted to believe and feel the way they felt.

Church was ok, the folks were nice and welcoming (it’s a small country church just down the road from my house) and so I went most every Sunday and was proud of myself for this new aspect of my life. I cut out swearing and I gave up alcohol for lent, but that was as long as I could hang with that. I tried to make myself be a better person, and maybe I drifted up the Good Scale a notch or two, not sure.

Anyway, after several months of me going, the preacher announced the fall session of Bible Study. It was called Disciple Bible Study and it lasted for several months, basically mirroring the school year. I decided to sign up because I didn’t know much about the inner sanctum of the Bible and felt that would be a good Next Step for me.

Wrong. The things I learned in the class wigged me out so bad that by the time it was over, I wanted no part of the Bible or religion or church anymore. And while I’ve chilled out some about that, I’m still keeping my distance. But what's really weird is that, even though I feel so put off with almost all things Biblical, there is still a part of me that WANTS to know and understand and believe and get it like other people do. Sometimes this zeal to comprehend makes me annoying.

Which is when B-slapping session two commenced. I was having this discussion with my sis-n-law and she believes all that the Bible says about God, and I voiced my opinion that: It doesn’t make sense to me that we look down on people who demand love and respect and attention and adoration and sacrifice from others, yet we find all those traits perfectly acceptable in God. It doesn’t make sense to me that a True God would demand love and worship and wasteful sacrifices from his people. It seems more believable to me that He would instead give them opportunities to know him and love him without having to demand it, and he would ask for them to do things for other people to demonstrate their love for him, not slaughter lambs and waste their last loaf of bread on an alter in his honor.

And I do truly believe that, and I believe that a huge portion of the Bible is based on what people thought God wanted, not on what God wanted himself. I’m not dissing God, I’m dissing what I see as the attitudes attributed to him by glory-hungry people. Important difference. But I don’t think I made that point, because we got interrupted, and I was left feeling bad because I felt like she probably thought I was dissing her or disrespecting her beliefs, which is exactly how it sounded but totally NOT what was going on. I get wound up about this topic and say extreme things in the hopes that someone will be able to say something back that will make it all click into place for me and allow me to see and feel what they feel. But that never happens and I just piss people off instead.

It was the same back when I was in my 20’s-30’s and girls would talk about having babies. I cannot – for the life of me – understand why any woman would ever willingly get pregnant. That is totally out of my realm of comprehension (I think part of my brain must be broke or something), but there was a part of me that desperately wanted someone to say something that would clear the fog and make me see/feel what other women felt so that I could want a baby too. No one did, and I’m sure they thought I was a total bitch for the discussions we had about it, because I know I said things I probably shouldn’t have said in the heat of the moment.

So anyway, to sum up: I’ve dissed my friend and I’ve dissed my sister-n-law. Now it’s my turn to get dissed.

The other day I made a couple of posts about my laptop: it was down, booo, then it was back up. Yayay.

In the second post, I included a pic of Jake and Reese along with some dissing commentary (I’m all about dissing these days),lamenting what I see as the downfall of J since he began seeing R. Some of you agreed, some said it was probably just a bad picture, some didn’t really care, and a couple of folks took me to task for being mean-spirited and unfair, and for being dishonest with myself about the true state of my feelings for Jake.

We went back and forth about it a bit, expressing our views, etc, and while I tried to be cool and unfrazzled by it, I have to admit that the whole thing left me feeling roughed up and depressed. I even cried about it, something I almost never do.

But it made me think, and that’s the important thing, and that’s what I’m posting about now.

Over the course of this LJ, I’ve shared with you the most intimate and personal things in my life: you know where I live, what my job is, who my friends are, all about my family and my pets and my weird fetishes. I’ve never lied or been even slightly dishonest in my dealings with you. I haven’t lived up to all my promises writing-wise, but as far as the personal aspect of my journal has gone, I’ve always told the truth, even when it makes me look like a tard, like now.

I’ve talked about my obsession with BBM and with Jake, and I’ve admitted that the way I felt about Jake was unhealthy and kinda dumb. Getting past that was a huge big deal for me. I guess I’ve been a bit redundant about it, but it’s like giving up cigarettes or booze: such a relief to feel normal again that I can’t stop talking about it. Sorry.

But even though I got my soul back, I’ve still followed along with Jake going’s-on, and I’ve allowed myself to harbor some bad feelings about his relationship with Reese. Posting back and forth with Barbara and Anna got me to thinking about it, and I asked myself the same question they were asking me: “If you really don’t care, like you say you don’t, then why do you seem to care so much?”

And I realized that, regardless of why I cared before, the reason I care now is because Jake is my last link to what has been – so far – the most exhilarating time in my life. BBM hit at a time when I was at rock bottom in almost every way, and my obsession with it AND Jake fueled an enormous amount of change in my life. For the first time, I was somebody (Sienata!) doing something exciting and different and getting praise and cheers for it. In conjunction with that, I became interested in my appearance. I lost a lot of weight, began exercising, bought some tanning lotion and got a new hairdo. For the first time ever, I really liked my body and the way I looked.

Other aspects of my life continued to flail, however, and it wasn’t until late ‘08 that my personal life really began to recover. My marriage went from its pre-BBM deadness to post-BBM hell, where it mouldered for a long time before finally beginning a slow climb back to life. I can honestly say that I am now truly happy with my husband and my personal life. There are ups and downs, goods and bads, but overall, I rate my happiness at its highest ever.

I won’t bore you with the goods, but the bads are: I’ve put back on 20 of the 30 lbs I lost, I don’t go exercise anymore, and my stories don’t pour out of me like they used to. The bads are certainly not Jake’s fault, but they kinda coincided with him hooking up with Reese, so I guess I made her into my scapegoat – like if they were to break-up, I’d get skinny and prosey again.

My soul-searching has led me to accept that that’s not going to happen. As my mom likes to say, “You can’t go back, only forward.” Being Sienata and writing J/E stories has been a wonderful thing for me for a long time, but I think it’s time for me accept that that phase of my life is mostly over. I feel like I’m clinging to the past, hoping that somehow some magic will happen and things will be like they were before, but that’s not going to happen and it's time I made peace with that.

Having said that, I’m going to keep going with LB for as long as I possibly can. It’s not really a BBM story anyway. As for ALSE, I hate to say this, but I don’t see myself ever going back there. That story sprang from feelings that I just don’t have any more. I feel very sad about leaving the story unfinished, but I’d rather do that than F it up, which is what would happen if I tried to write it now. AKL is a different story: at some point, I might try to finish it and market it. If I do, of course I’ll post it in my Whiskiegurl LJ.

As for Jake and Reese, I’ve been reading and posting occasionally on a blog where most of the devoted participants believe that Jake is still in a secret relationship with Austin and that his outward relationship with Reese is a PR stunt. The folks over there are – for the most part – very nice and friendly, almost like a little family. This is their secret obsession and they enjoy all the speculation and intrigue. It provided a nice environment for folks like me who didn’t buy into the romance but didn’t want to get into skirmishes either, which seem to crop up on more popular boards.

In the end, however, I find that I don’t really believe their take on things either. I don’t see J&A as an underground couple, and I really don’t believe they have an adopted child together. (But who knows? Stranger things have happened.) What I end up believing for my own self is what I’ve believed from the beginning: that J&R began as good friends helping each other through a bad time, and maybe they progressed to romance from that or maybe not. I don’t see even a spark of passion when I look at them, and the fact that they refuse to verbally acknowledge their relationship throws me off, but I do see affection and friendship, and that’s certainly nothing to sneeze at. (And again, who knows? Not me, I’m just speculating.)

I have noticed a rather disturbing (to me) run of frowny Jake pics lately, but as Soulan pointed out, that could be for any number of reasons: bad shutter timing, ingrown toenail, the high price of fedoras these days… WK?

Anyway, for Jake, I think I’m finally at a place where I can honestly say: I hope he’s happy, whoever he’s with. I hope he eventually makes another movie that I want to see, and some that are successful, because I do think he’s a very good actor and I do feel like he’s disappointed with the way his post BBM career has gone. I know I am. L

As for me, I hope I can keep writing even without Jake and BBM fueling my brain and my fingers. I hope I can get back to exercising again, and I hope I can lose 5 lbs. That would make me really happy. And I want a new gas cooktop.

I had thought about closing up shop here as virtual proof that I truly was moving on, but I’ve decided that’s just punishing myself. I like posting pictures and stories about my life and general stuff here. Some of you are only here because of my fics, but many have become friends beyond that, and while none of us are as active here as we used to be, it is a JOURNAL, and I want to continue to use it as such. And if a wild hair strikes and I want to post some more writing, I can certainly do that too.

They say confession is good for the soul, and I do feel better about things overall. I will always have this problem of being too vehement about the things I feel passionate about and stepping on people’s toes with it, but maybe this lesson will at least help me to be a little more cautious. I can hope!

Have a good Saturday. If you made it all the way to here, thanks for caring about me enough to read. Hugs all around. S!

Edited to add: Torry mentioned my parents, and it's been a while since I posted a pic of them, so here's one of us from a couple of weeks ago. :)